ELORM

Worla got home after my parents. She received a lecture on indecent dressing. They discussed its effects on her dating life.  We live in the Dadesen community, and we worship at an orthodox church in the next community . The church is a twenty-minute drive away. Worla and I loved the first service because of its brevity and presence of younger members.  Our parents preferred the second service because it was in Ga¹ and Ewe. They get to sit with their fellowships.

Just as I was getting ready, Worla burst into my room.

“Jonathan has offered to pick us up’’ she said.

Jonathan is a longtime friend of Worla. We do not consider him her ex because it was the shortest relationship both of them had. They were classmates in primary and senior high school, Jonathan wanted to be more than friends. He proposed with a mix-tape during the era of free night calls and Worla accepted. The next morning, Worla was sent to buy bread and she saw him in an alley kissing another girl.

Imagine Jonathan’s surprise to see Worla at that time of the morning. Some of the guys in the neighbourhood call Worla and I “indoor chickens’’. Our mother had a lot of fears. One of them was her daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock by an “area boy”. Therefore, she barely sent us on errands or permitted us to make friends with other children in the neighbourhood.

You can really now imagine Jonathan’s surprise when he finally landed Worla. Just before they could even kiss to seal the relationship, she caught him cheating. It took years of pleading but they ended up becoming friends in university because they were in the same hostel. Jonathan periodically brings up the idea of them dating but Worla is too scared to attempt it. He is basically a big brother to me and my mother entertains him because he really makes her laugh.

‘’That is nice, you look good’’ I complimented her, she looked lovely in her tie-dye boubou. Trust Worla’s curves to show even through her boubou. She had accessorised well and wore a pair of high heel slippers.

‘’Thank you, at least let me compensate Mummy. After she saw what I wore yesterday’’ she said and we both giggled. She helped me zip up my floral mid length dress. Just as we stepped out of the gate, Jonathan’s car pulled up.

‘’Today is rich auntie vibes I can see’’ he said as he admired Worla as she walked to the front seat.

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We got to church right on time. Worla and I may argue about a lot of things but we both loved getting to an event on time. As soon as we entered the main auditorium, the head usher, Auntie Jane approached us.

‘’See my lovely sisters! Today I will put you in front because my madam has covered herself’’. She said referring to Worla, she always had a problem with Worla’s attire. Worla was about to reply and I squeezed her hand gently to remind her not to engage.

The church service was refreshing and the preacher spoke on asking God to direct our path. For some time now, I just put words together and call them prayer. I barely try solving my problems by praying first. This is a good reminder. During offertory, Kurt Appiah (my church crush) smiled at me as he passed my row.  I have an unspoken rule of dating people within certain spaces like church, work or gym. If it goes south, will I be uprooting my whole life? Kurt has made some advances in the past but I usually ignore them. He has such a calm aura and barely hanged out with the other men from the church. It’s likely because his work as a security consultant allows him to travel frequently, so it’s always a pleasure to see him when he’s around.

After church service, almost everybody hangs out at the food shed. Since it was still morning, the food sellers had not set up except the pastries and drink vendor. As usual, Jonathan would sponsor our spring rolls and juice order. As we waited, Frank and Lante approached us. Both in their forties and they usually attend church with their wives and children. They were always trying to flirt with the younger women. For some weeks now, Lante has been making advances towards Worla.

‘’The Ameve sisters!!!’’ they both shouted and we gave them a wry smile.

‘’Today, G wagon has covered the goodies’’ Frank said referring to Worla wearing a boubou. He reached out for a hug which she gave reluctantly and he took advantage and squeezed her tight.

‘’Frank, this is your first and last’’ Worla warned aloud. Lante just reached for a handshake in order to avoid embarrassment.

‘’Worla, if you are covering up everything like this, how will you get husband to marry? See how Elorm is looking young. This dressing di33 it is for my wife’’ Lante commented.

‘’That is why she is not your wife and what business do you have with what she wears?’’ I quickly retorted before he could utter another word.

Just then I saw Kurt walking towards us, I did not want Lante or Frank to be part of whatever conversation we were about to have and walked towards him.

‘’Elorm, Elorm, looking beautiful as always’’ he complimented.

‘’Thank you, you do not look bad yourself’’ I said.

Kurt looked handsome in his simple dark blue caftan that complemented his chocolate skin. He was your typical gym freak and you could see it. His glasses gave him a cute but serious look. His hair was neatly cropped, what my mother will describe as a responsible looking man.

‘’Thank you. Been ages. How has life been treating you?” he asked

‘’Not as good as you. I have been seeing your Instagram stories. Traveling in business class and dancing in Cancun with the baddies’’ I teased.

‘’See you, all those fancy meals and dates I have been seeing on yours, with your Friday cocktails’’ he teased back in typical Ghanaian fanfooling² attitude.

‘’Please, not everyone can be a chairman like you. How long will you be in town?’’  I asked

‘’This time, I will be around for a long time. I am trying to reduce travels this year and focus on other things. So for the next three months, prepare to be sick of me’’. he joked as he reached for my hand and squeezed it. I giggled like a little school girl.

‘’I see’’ I said sheepishly, not knowing what to say back.

‘’I am starving, what is available?’’ he asked

‘’Just some pastries and drink, unless you want to eat something heavy ‘’ I suggested.

‘’Too sweet, what about fufu³? Where can I get some?’’ he asked

‘’Not in this neighbourhood, unless  you drive further to Three Aunties chop bar. They have local food 24/7 but it is on the high side. Then again, the guys talk about some bush canteen two streets away. I have never been there so I can not give you any reviews’’ I went on.

‘’How can I send a nice lady like you to Bush canteen? Let’s go have fancy fufu’’ he said.

I was not in the mood for fufu but what can I say? I have nothing much to do and an outing before I start the work week will not be bad.

‘’Is that how you ask a lady out?’’ I asked

‘’Apologies madam, would you like to go have some fufu with me?’’ he joked with a terribly imitated British accent.

‘’Most certainly’’ I answered with the same tone and we both laughed.

I quickly walked to Worla and asked her to go home without me. I then called my mother to inform her about coming home late because Kurt wanted to take me to lunch.

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WORLA

I watched Elorm walk elegantly to Kurt’s Mercedes Benz. They look good together but there is something about Kurt I do not like. As I got close to the car, Jonathan held it open for me, I smiled and sat down.

‘’I have told you to stop doing these things, you will spoil my market’’ I complained.

‘’That is the point so I can have you to myself’’ Jonathan joked as he sat in the driver’s seat.

‘You don’t give up, do you?’’

‘’I lost you once, I will not lose you again Worla. I am trying here, just give me one chance, you will not regret it’’ he pleaded.

‘’Come on Jona, we are basically siblings at this point’’ I said knowing it will irritate him.

‘’Stop calling me that! Do we have the same parents? I am not your brother’’ he insisted.

‘’Sorry sir, I sometimes forget’’ I joked. ‘’Anyway, thank you for breakfast’’ I added.

‘’Always welcome. You asked me not to buy for Elorm, is she fasting?’’ he asked

‘’Kurt is taking her to lunch’’

‘’Ei, interesting. Ah well. To each his own’’ he said with an air of disappointment

‘’What is wrong? Spill.’’ I urged

‘’Nothing, I may be wrong but he has this air of … I do not know what to call it. Maybe because I do not know him personally, probably Elorm sees something we don’t’’

‘’You feel it too right? It is just a date so let us see how it goes’’ I said

‘’True, so when will you finally have dinner with me? One on one time ‘’ he asked

‘’Aren’t we spending time together right now?’’

‘’Worla, a 20-minute drive with your sister at the back occasionally is not one on one. You know what I am asking” he said

‘’I will think about it’’ I said and we drove home talking about the sermon.

Jonathan never just drops me at my gate, he comes inside and spends time with me. We eat our pastries and watch an episode of any series we both like. We are currently rewatching ‘’The Rookie’’. This time around, he stopped at the door.

‘’Worla, I didn’t want it to come to this. But I can not keep asking for forgiveness and begging for a chance. So, you have till Friday morning at 10 to agree to our date or not. If yes, then Friday night, I have something planned. If you still do not want to be with me after that. Then fine, we can still stay friends’’ he said sternly.

‘’Are you serious?’’ I asked surprised

‘’Dead serious. Enjoy the rest of the day’’ he said and walked away. I was too stunned to speak.

I went inside and helped my mother finish dressing up for church. She was so excited about Elorm’s date and couldn’t wait to hear the details. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jonathan’s ultimatum, well it is just one date. What could happen? The confidence he exhibited was quite attractive. I would definitely go on this date but I will not give my answer right away.

Hours later, there was a knock on the door and it was Nuerkie, Elorm’s best friend.

‘’Elorm is not home’’ I said after we exchanged pleasantries.

‘’I know, your sister texted me all giddy that she is going out with Kurt, an impromptu date. After an hour, I texted to ask her how it is going, she replied with ‘hmmmmm’. I am so curious to know how it went, and it will be rude to call her on a date. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I have decided to wait for her at home for full gist’’ Nuerkie rambled.

‘’Eiii Kiekie, gossip sweet you oooo’’ I said while laughing but suddenly curious on how her date was going. We sat together and watched a movie while waiting for Elorm.

Hours later, the gate flung open and Elorm walked in. As soon as she saw the two of us, she burst out laughing. We followed her to her room urging her to talk.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

ELORM

I have not been on a lot of dates because I was in a long-term relationship. But if this is what is out there then Mama has to intensify her prayers. Kiekie and Worla followed me to my room repeatedly asking me to talk.

‘’A crush is lack of information ampa⁴’’ I blurted out.

‘’The crush has left your eye top?’’ Kiekie asked

‘’Madam, I actually felt it slip out of my body. It was like how you drain a bathtub. From brain down to my chest, legs, feet then out’’ I gestured as I spoke and they both laughed.

‘’It couldn’t have been that bad’’ Worla remarked.

‘’Let me start, so we got to Three Aunties. You know their food is great and the setting is local luxury. He didn’t pull out the chair for me to sit but I was like, let me just ignore. Not everybody knows this. Now the waiter brings the menu, he just kept whining about the prices. This was a bit uncomfortable because I told him it was quite on the high side. In addition, on our way there I gave him the price range. I quickly suggested that either I pay my part or we can go elsewhere’’ I narrated.

“Understanding girl’’ Nuerkie mocked.

‘’Oh, Look at me being considerate. He declined and was a bit irritated I suggested paying, and asked if it was my way of calling him broke? I was shocked and apologised. Fast forward, the food comes, he complains about the size of the fufu but I ignored. Just as he started eating, I could not believe my ears, so loudly. l don’t know how he did it because no one really chews fufu but the whole restaurant could hear, even with the meat. Lips smacking and soup slurping, every mouth noise under the sun was made. It was so embarrassing, I wanted the floor to swallow me’’

‘’You are kidding’’ Worla looked bewildered.

‘’That was not the worst part, after eating, he licked his fingers and burped with his mouth wide open, I caught a whiff of it. I was so disgusted. He didn’t even notice to say sorry, I just wanted to get over it’’ I continued, at this point Worla and Kiekie could not hold their laughter.

‘’Kiekie, the guy does not look it at all, have you seen him before?’’ Worla asked.

‘’No oo, show me’’ Nuerkie answered

I went to his Instagram page and showed it to Kiekie

‘’You are lying, look at this fine gentleman’’ she was shocked.

‘’I am not done’’ I said

‘’Eii, what can top this?’’ Kiekie asked between fits of laughter

‘’In typical fashion, there was meat stuck in his teeth. It is okay to use toothpick, but use it with some class. This man opened all his 32 picking his teeth and spitting out the residue right there. I was so disgusted. Even the waiter noticed it and tried stifling his laughter when he brought the bill.

When he was putting the money in the pouch, I saw him count the exact amount, down to pesewas. He even had those red coins you only receive at Shoprite. I took out my purse and added 50gh, he looked furious and just when he was about to talk. The waiter picked up the pouch quickly.  He asked why did I tip the waiter and that it is their job. I was over the date at this point and apologised again” I narrated.

‘’Elorm, you like apologising too much’’ Kiekie whined.

‘’For peace to prevail, so he will not say I insulted him after spending his money. He looks like the type to pass such a comment’’ I explained

‘’You should not care my dear, now that is hilarious. I am sure you will not be seeing him again’’ Worla added.

‘’Definitely, and when he dropped me off, do you know what he said?’’ I asked

‘’Refund him?’’ Nuerkie asked

Flashback to end of date

‘’Next Sunday, come to the house and pound the fufu. We cannot continue like this’’ Kurt commanded.
‘’We?’’ Elorm asked
‘’Yes, if we are to marry, fufu every Sunday, pounded, no machine’’ he stated
‘’I do not even know where to start but then no. No to whatever this will lead to’’ Elorm replied
‘’Oh Elorm. Because of small fufu?’’ he looked shocked
‘’If it is small fufu then pound it yourself’’ she retorted.
‘’Then why am I marrying you? Isn’t it your job?’’ he blurted out and Elorm’s jaw dropped
‘’Thank you for lunch Kurt, and enjoy the rest of the day’’ she said and walked away before he could say anything

‘’You should have given him your piece of mind, tell him women are not born to be servants’’ Nuerkie said

‘’Some battles are not worth it Nuerkie, when you meet this type, just greet and go your merry way’’ Worla said and we nodded in agreement.

Hours later, we ate and narrated everything to Auntie Dee who was just relieved to see his true colours before anything went further. It was time for Nuerkie to leave and just before she drove off she shouted

‘’OH ELORM. BECAUSE OF SMALL FUFU?’’.

LEXICONS

1. Ga – An ethnic group in the Greater Accra Region of Ghana; also refers to the language they speak.

2. Fanfooling – Slang in Ghanaian Pidgin meaning fake flattering someone.

3. Fufu – A staple Ghanaian dish made by pounding boiled cassava, yam, plantain, or a combination into a dough-like consistency, usually eaten with soup or stew.

4. Ampa – Ghanaian slang (mostly Akan) meaning truly, really, indeed, or for sure.